“Why don't you knock it off with them negative waves ?“

Midnight Quatermass 14: Donald Sutherland and early monsters

“Why don't you dig how beautiful it is out here? Why don't you say something righteous and hopeful for a change?”

I adore Donald Sutherland.

The news of his death hit me hard. I’m not one of those people who cares about ‘a good innings’ or that 88 was a ‘good age’. Fuck that noise. Not having people like Sutherland makes the planet a poorer place, and I wish he was still with us.

He was one of those actors that was nearly a constant presence when I was growing up. His work with Elliott Gould in movies like M*A*S*H (1970), his turns at horror, DON’T LOOK NOW (1973) and science fiction, INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS (1978) are all incredible. It’s not hyperbole. He was an incredible actor.

Everyone’s is writing about those big movies at the moment, so I figured I’d recommend a few of his not-quite-so-big-movies instead. I did see someone write that he was worth watching even in some of the flicks where he’s often the only good thing about them. I agree - he always brightened the screen - but there was a good decade where I’d argue you should try and see everything he did because he’ll get under your skin. I’m a completist, so I do my best to watch everything as much as possible and often that can be a chore in the tail-end of careers. But Sutherland movies - no matter how small the part - always seem to contain a gift of a performance. I really don’t like the HUNGER GAMES franchise at all, but his portrayal of Snow and the reason he asked for the role are sublime and had me watching all of them on the big screen.

But he did small screen too. Very early in his career, he did a pile of British genre TV and pops up in episodes of The Avengers, The Saint, Man in a Suitcase and The Champions. I’m a fan of all those shows, but a guest star with Sutherland’s easy charm was always a treat.

He did occasionally return to TV in later years. My two favourite appearances are in The Simpsons episode Lisa the Iconoclast, where he delivers the line, “Excuse me, my microwave Johnnycakes are ready.” I still use that line to get out of conversations I no longer want to be a part of. A great actor embiggens the smallest role of course. I also love his turn in the second TV adaptation of Salem’s Lot from 2004, where he played Straker opposite Rutger Hauer’s Barlow. Fun stuff.

Here are seven movies you may want to turn to after you’ve seen THE DIRTY DOZEN (1967) and KELLY’S HEROES (1970) again:

THE SPLIT (1968) is kind of an obscure heist movie now - which is a shame because it’s really good. It’s based on a Donald E Westlake/Richard Stark Parker novel and directed by the guy who did the Peter Cushing Dr Who movies with music by Quincy fucking Jones. I never have to talk about plot to reel people in for this one. I just list the cast. Here are the opening credits so you can see for yourself:

LITTLE MURDERS (1971) is something of a cult movie these days. Alan Arkin’s first stab at directing, its really Elliott Gould’s movie and something of a time capsule of a long gone New York City. Sutherland’s role is a cameo really, but what he does with the character of a priest is… well, see for yourself and checkout the monologue:

STEELYARD BLUES (1973) was a firm favourite of mine as a teenager. Jane Fonda and Peter Boyle join Sutherland in loose comedy caper about a gang of misfits who want to escape it all. They hit upon the oddball plan to fix up an old flying boat they find in a junkyard and finance the repairs by breaking the law. This was actually made immediately after Fonda and Sutherland struck gold with KLUTE (1971), but the studio had no idea what to do with the thing for a couple of years.

S*P*Y*S (1974) is another example of a Sutherland movie that tried to recapture the magic of a previous film, only for it stumble and turn left into something else. Another reunion with Elliott Gould meant M*A*S*H comparisons right down to the asterisks in the title, but sadly this is not a Robert Altman movie. What you do get is a throwback goofball buddy-movie with the two stars obviously having a blast and enjoying each other’s company as spies betrayed by the CIA while romping through Paris like Crosby and Hope without the songs.

THE EAGLE HAS LANDED (1976) is a kinda schlocky WW2 adventure movie that falls into that small sub-genre where the lead German characters get to be the good guys. I’ve seen this one so many times its like an old friend and can rewatch it at the drop of a hat without once losing my grin. It’s Michael Caine’s movie of course, and there’s able support from Robert Duval and Donald Pleasance, but Sutherland’s anti-Empire IRA trickster is a gift of a role. No wonder Jenny Agutter falls for him five minutes after meeting him. It’s just a shame they never made the sequel.

THE FIRST GREAT TRAIN ROBBERY (1978) was released only a week after INVASION OF THE BODYSNATCHERS and was a little unfairly compared to Sean Connery’s last big hit, THE MAN WHO WOULD BE KING (1975), so didn’t make the splash it should of. It’s a Michael Crichton movie so you’re in pretty safe hands and there aren’t many 19th century heist movies so sit back and enjoy the two leads - Sutherland here sporting perhaps the best facial hair of his career - along with Lesley-Anne Down in a comedic adventure movie based (sort of) on a true story.

EYE OF THE NEEDLE (1981) is one of the last of my favourite leads that Sutherland did before pivoting into the kind of guest roles that would steal the movie out from under what were often top notch casts (JFK, BACKDRAFT etc). He gets to play a bastard for a change, and boy does he revel in the role. Roger Ebert said the movie “resembles nothing so much as one of those downbeat, plodding, quietly horrifying, and sometimes grimly funny war movies that used to be made by the British film industry, back when there was a British film industry." He’s not wrong. It’s a keeper.

I’ll stop there, but if you haven’t seen his beautiful acceptance speech from a few years ago you really should check it out.

“I wish I could say thank you to all of the characters that I’ve played. Thank them for using their lives to inform my life...”

I’ve slowly warmed to the Substack platform. Its Notes feature is like a small slice of Twitter before the rot set in. I’m still using Threads, but this is maybe now my favourite platform. We’ll see how it goes. Not sure I need all the bells and whistles provided here, but so far the newsletter has been a nice organic thing so we’ll see where it takes us.

If you’re using Notes, Threads or any other McGuffin that I’m on please feel free to reach out and say hello.

Story time? Sure…

~

T.B.K.M.

“It’s in a safe place.”

Fuck fuck fuck fuck! He couldn’t have found a safe place a little bit closer?

She’s running flat out and her brother, carrying the backpack, is struggling to keep up. Gotta try something. Anything. She stops and takes out the heavy revolver from her pocket as David holds on to the wet railing and catches his breath.

“Will that do it?” he asks, panting.

“I guess we’re about to find out.”

The street behind them, all reflected neon in the rain, is empty at this time of night. She checks the gun is loaded. Six rounds. Silver. Old school.

“Want me to try?” he asks.

Neither of them has ever fired a gun. She thinks back to the games they’d play as kids and makes a decision.

“No. I got this. You carry on. I’ll catch you up.”

He nods and tightens the straps on the backpack.

“Fine, but if you let that thing kill you then it’s going to kill me next and then I’ll fucking haunt you no matter how dead you are.”

“Deal. Go.”

He takes off. As soon as he rounds the corner she sees it. Halfway up the corner building. It’s eyes glowing bright red. Watching her.

She clicks the revolver shut and raises it.

~

“I’m fine! I’m fine!”

He doesn’t look fine. He suddenly looks his age. The hospital has shredded his dignity leaving a frail old man in a hospital gown. Tubes, wires, machines.

David isn’t sure what to say or where to look. She’s as blunt as ever.

“You look fucked, Henry.”

He looks at her for a moment, one eye almost closed, but the other still holds on to his youth. The bluest thing she’s ever seen. And then he laughs.

“Maybe so, Amy. Maybe so.”

He sits up with no little effort, shooing David away as he automatically steps forward.

“The bottom of the cabinet. The go-bag.”

David bends down and takes out the red and blue backpack.

“You’re going to need it. Put it on, David.”

She watches her younger brother slip his arms into the straps and is then surprised when Henry reaches forward and grabs her hand. His touch is cold.

“My jacket…”

She looks around and spots it folded over a chair in the corner. Tan leather. Old fashioned. She always loved to see him in it.

“Your jacket.”

She’s confused and looks down at her own old denim thing with the Twisted Sister pin.

He shakes his head.

“My jacket. Your jacket.”

David gets it. He picks up the leather and passes it to her, smiling. It feels heavy.

“No. I can’t…”

Henry frowns and leans back.

“You can. Put it on. I want to look at you in it.”

She shrugs off the denim and pulls the leather on. It is heavy. But not a bad fit. Now they’re both smiling at her. It feels good on her. Reassuring.

“Wow,” says David.

“Good. Good. Now look in the pocket. That’s yours too.”

She puts her hand in the right pocket and instantly knows what it is. She looks at him and the smile leaves his face.

“You’re going to need it.”

~

The thing is running at her. It’s a blur of teeth and claws, but she’s focussed on the sight at the end of the revolver and thinking back to a million movies and tv shows that prepared her for this moment. Squeeze. Don’t pull.

The gun bucks in her hand, but not as much as she thought it would.

The thing howls in pain as its head is thrown back. She was aiming for the centre mass, but has caught it in the head. Not too shabby for her first time out. Now we’ll see.

She lowers the gun and watches the thing kick out on its back in the wet neon.

Maybe she got lucky. Really lucky.

The thing sits up and she swears its smiling as it spits out the bullet. The sound of it hitting the asphalt fills her ears as she turns and runs.

~

“I didn’t collapse where the paramedics found me. Couldn’t risk it. Whatever the fuck this is that the docs are still arguing over played with me for a little. It gave me time. I was in an old bookstore on Half Moon Lane when it hit. Poetic don’t you think. I left it there. I can explain away the bag and the gun here, but not that. Too important. And if I lost it…”

She nods.

“We can get it for you.”

He coughs and David passes him a plastic cup of water. He chugs it down and nods.

“They’ll send something. I don’t know what. But you’ll have everything you need. Just find it…”

He leans back and sinks his head in the pillow as his eyes close. Suddenly exhausted.

“Find the book.”

~

The bookstore door is slightly ajar when she reaches it. David doesn’t look up as she enters and closes it. He’s already pulled half the books off the shelves.

“What if I was that thing?” she asks.

“Then I’d already be a confusing mess for the cops to look at in the morning over coffee and doughnuts. Did it work?”

She joins him in pulling the books off the shelves.

“Nope. Definitely not a werewolf.”

“Fuck. Did you hit it? Slow it down?”

She’s on H. Hemingway. The Old Man and The Sea. She’d always meant to read this one. She drops it to the floor and reaches for the next one.

“Hit it, yes. Right in the chops. Slow it down?”

The door shudders in its frame as something hits it from outside.

“No.”

She looks around. There’s a door at the back marked STAFF.

“Take the backpack through there and get the gear out. I’ll be right behind you.”

He ignores her and pulls another shelf of books onto the floor.

“Faster if two of us--”

She puts her hand on his arm and he turns his head to look at her. He’s scared.

“I got this, David. But I need your help. Get--”

“Get the gear out. I know.”

He heads into the office and she scans the shelves as the door begins to crack behind her.

They’ve fucked the fiction section. Cookery? No. Biography? No. Wait… she looks up at the top shelf and laughs quietly.

“Erotica, Henry? Really? Dirty old bastard.”

She can see it immediately. It’s old, leather-bound, the spine is blank. She grabs it and closes the office door behind her just as the front one explodes.

~

They’ve known Henry their whole lives. They grew up as neighbours. He even half-heartedly kept an eye on them for mom when she had to pull a double shift. She wasn’t sure about him to be honest. Thought he was a little odd and wasn’t sure about the stories and nonsense he filled her kids’ heads with, but buying him a six-pack was cheaper than a real sitter and needs must.

David loved him. She liked him. That’s how it was at first. But then those stories… they got under her skin. Some of them gave her nightmares. She spent an entire week with a crucifix under her pillow and when she told Henry he’d just laughed.

“You think those bastards are bad? Wait until you hear about these guys…”

And he’d pick up the book and terrify them both all over again. They loved it.

And then suddenly they moved away. College. They saw him in the holidays of course but it wasn’t the same. And then one night in December David had woken her up at 2am looking worried.

“I think there’s something going on over at Henry’s place…”

~

David has cleared a table and spread out the contents of the bag.

She carefully unloads the remaining silver bullets and puts them next to the other ammunition before laying the gun down too.

David, always the organised one, has made little groups for everything. The blades looked promising and his hand hoovered over a gilted axe with runes carved into the handle. Next to it were a row of small vials with tiny labels. Two hand grenades and a small pile of wooden stakes. There were two mirrors and a little stack of aged yellow paper covered in red Chinese symbols. Also some rolls of string, one piece of green rope and finally a circular bottle filled with holy water.

“Well?” he asks as she flicks through the book.

“I didn’t get a good look at it to be honest. It was dark…”

“Fucking hell, Amy…”

She pauses over a page covered in Henry’s neat cursive and a drawing of a thing that could be it.

“Maybe...”

And then the thing outside was suddenly inside and time was up.

~

They found Henry in the kitchen. He was bleeding. David had picked up the telephone only to have it knocked out of his hand.

“No cops.”

“I was calling a fucking ambulance, Henry!”

He was sat at the counter holding a towel to his head and pointing into the next room.

“Well sure if you want to bankrupt me with hospital fees after you’ve explained the fucker who broke my TV.”

They stood in the doorway looking at the dead thing hanging halfway out of the shattered TV.

“Is that a spider?” David asked.

“Nope,” came the answer from the kitchen. They could hear him popping the cork on a bottle of something.

“It’s a Helob,” Amy said.

“Glad at least one of you has been paying attention all these years.”

David shook his head trying to make the world make sense the same way it had fifteen minutes ago.

“That’s impossible. The thing from your book? It’s not real.”

Saying it out loud like that was the moment they both knew that it was.

Henry came in with three glasses plus the bottle and sat down on the sofa. He tossed the book on the table and started pouring the drinks.   

“Page 32. It’s dead, but they spawn like a motherfucker. Remind me what the best way to burn the body is will you?”

Five years ago. That was the first time she held the book.

~

David has the axe in his hand. The thing in the doorway is opening its mouth impossibly wide. She can see half-digested meat at the back of its maw. An eyeball. A finger. And then the noise. A cracking sound, but not like anything she’d heard before. Bones at the back of its throat vibrating in excitement at the imminent kill.

And then she had it.

She flicks quickly towards the back of the book as David steps in front of her.

Page 88. There it is.

“It’s a Moa.”

She drops the book and pulls David backwards as the thing claws the air where he just was. It rears up and forwards with a roar, pushing the table and its contents to the floor. David is on his back shuffling further away with his legs as his sister picks and discards vial after vial.

It grabs at her and she feels it’s claws go through the leather and rake at her skin painfully as it picks her up off the floor and lowers its head to feed.

Which is exactly when she pops the top off the vial and empties the contents into its mouth.

Everything stops.

The thing is silent. It’s jaws and tongue covered in what looks like golden glitter. Only its eyes move.

David gets to his feet to help her.

“I think you did it…”

And then the thing explodes and showers them in the viscera of a thing that shouldn’t exist.

~

It’s dawn when they get back to the hospital. Henry is sleeping so they use his bathroom to clean up. David pukes a little when he finds that eye under his collar. Fair enough.

Amy sits down in the chair and watches her old friend sleep. She reaches into the bedside drawer and finds the bottle tucked away under a bible. Single malt. Perfect.

She puts the book down on the bed next to Henry’s hand where it belongs and closes her eyes.

When the nurse comes in an hour later she doesn’t have the heart to ask them to leave. The old man doesn’t have any family and the youngsters look shattered. She grabs some covers for them and smiles when she sees the book. They must had been reading to him and all fallen asleep.

Bless.

She doesn’t see the title written in thick black neat writing on the cover and if she had she wouldn’t have known what to make of it.

Four words.

THIS BOOK KILLS MONSTERS

Sorry for sending this out early. The story fell into my head fully formed and I figured I’d hit send rather than let it sit around for two days tempting me to tinker with it. Busy week ahead so I’m not sure if I’ll get the chance to write another one on Wednesday or not. We’ll see.

But now I’m tired. Let’s call it a night. Take care and see you next time.

Mike